專家點評：SAT寫作應避免的錯誤.

　　SAT寫作是很多學生的弱點，在語言運用、語句結(jié)構(gòu)、段落組織上都很欠缺，多數(shù)學生的文章只是平鋪直敘，沒有感染力，論點和論據(jù)之間有時顯得很牽強，這和平時的練習以及積累有很大的關(guān)系，今天我們就來看一位學生的文章，寫作老師給出了修改和點評，都是大部分學生容易犯的錯誤，希望學習以后能夠?qū)Υ蠹姨岣邔懽饔兴鶐椭?/p>

　　Both Sides of an Issue

　　Think carully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.

　　“In seeking truth you have to get both sides of a story.”

　　- Walter Cronkite

　　Assignment: Do you agree with Walter Cronkite that it’s necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the truth? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations).

　　學生習作

　　People often focus mostly on the advantageous side when they make a decision. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.

　　語言修改

　　Most often when people make a decision they focus on the advantages. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.

　　本段評點

　　許多學生過多地使用了therore和thus. 這樣的詞是用來得出結(jié)論的?！昂芏嗳酥豢从欣囊幻娑鲆暡焕囊幻妗边@句話中用“而”或者“并且”連接兩個分句，而不可以使用 therore, thus, as a result 等表達。這樣導致問題這兩個方面的邏輯關(guān)系混亂，其實并不是因為人們只看有利面而導致忽視不利一面這個結(jié)果。

　　學生習作

　　My family used to live in a village, but my parents went to urban to work and I to study. It was a long distance, so we had to spend an average of 3.5 hours in our car everyday. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Moreover, we could not watch TV together, but be together in the car, feeling sleepy. Of course, we were unwilling to accept the situation and we thought of moving to the urban area to save our time and to live a more convenient life. So we did, half a year ago.

　　語言修改

　　My family used to live in a village, but my parents moved[1] to the city to work and I to study. It was a long distance to travel to the city every day with an average of 3.5 hours spent in our car.[2] We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Unlike other families that watch TV or have other fun together, we spent hours in a car, which was boring and even painful. Of course, this situation was unacceptable to us so we thought of moving to the city to save time and make our lives more convenient.[3]. So we did, half a year ago.

　　本段評點

　　文章這個例子的敘述過于細節(jié)化，顯得有些瑣碎，這也導致這個例子用了三段來敘述，占了大量的篇幅和寫作時間，使得作者可能無法再寫個例子。另外，這段中的句式也缺少變化，例如大部分句子都是We再加上一個謂語這樣的結(jié)構(gòu)。

　　學生習作

　　Bore we made up our minds, we did investigated what trouble we would face. We were optimist to conclude that there was only one thing[4], the higher cost of living, which we could set aside by less using the car. We also predicted that we could gain profits such as a lot of time we used to spend on highways, convenient life, etc.

　　語言修改

　　Bore we made up our minds, we investigated what troubles we may face[5]. We were optimistic that the only obstacle was the higher cost of living which we could offset by using the car less. We also concluded we would gain a lot in terms of[6] less time spent on the road, more convenient lifestyle, etc.

　　本段評點

　　這段第一句提到在我們做決定之前確實調(diào)查了搬遷后可能面臨的困難，這與第一段的論點出現(xiàn)了一些抵觸。第一段說作者是想用自己親身的這個例子說明做決定不應該忽視消極的一面，而這里作者又說并未忽視呀!這使得這個例子不那么有說服力了。

　　學生習作

　　However we estimated the conclusion with too much confidence, and it was proved that moving to the city was a disaster. There is too much tail gas released from automobiles, which made us cough. The nights are so bright and noisy that we cannot sleep well. Thus, although we get more sleep time, we are even sleepier at study or work.

　　語言修改

　　However, we were overconfident and the move to the city proved a disaster.[7] In the city there is a lot of gas exhaust from cars, which made us cough.[8] The nights were so bright and noisy that we could not sleep well. Thus, although we had more time to sleep at night, we were even more tired.

　　本段評點

　　這個簡單的故事其實用一段話就全部寫完了，不用分成三段。它作為一篇文章中幾個例子中的一個是可以的，但是如果作為唯一的例子，難以全面深刻地探討作文的題目。從而導致讀者感覺文章的論證不充分，那么論點也就不堪一擊了。

　　其次，這段作者說從農(nóng)村搬到城市后覺得城市disaster的原因是空氣污染和晚上睡不好覺。把空氣污染作為理由是可以接受的，但說城市喧囂每天晚上睡不好覺也有點牽強，除非作者是住在酒吧里或睡在夜總會，否則應該沒那么嚴重。

　　學生習作

　　Every coin has two sides. We only noticed the positive side but lost the negative side, so we did not conclude the truth. The wrong decision was a lesson from which we learned that it is necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the new truth. Now we are considering to moving back to the rural area, but this time, we will make a complete study bore we carry it out.

　　語言修改

　　We only focused on the positive side and not the negative so our conclusion was not accurate.[9] The wrong decision was a lesson from which we learned that it is necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the new truth. We are now considering to move back to the village but this time we will do a thorough investigation bore making our decision.[10]

　　本段評點

　　與前面的習作一樣，最后一段簡單重復第一段的意思，甚至do a thorough investigation 這樣的用詞也是從第一段照抄到最后一段，這樣寫結(jié)尾段的方法是絕對應該避免的。

　　習作總評

　　全文只用一個故事來支持自己的觀點，故事講的是自己家里住在農(nóng)村，要到城市里去上學，每天很辛苦，大量的時間都浪費在了路上，于是考慮搬到城市里去住，因為考慮不周，后來發(fā)現(xiàn)住在城市里更不劃算，原因是城市污染嚴重，每天吸入大量的汽車尾氣，而且城市太喧囂，晚上睡不好，最后得出結(jié)論，做任何事情都要從兩方面來考慮問題。這個故事當然也支持了作者的觀點，但是有點牽強。首先故事講得并不精彩，缺少亮點，不能吸引人們的注意力?？傊?，這個故事有點牽強。

　　其實的確像文中所講，任何事情都有兩面，無論住在農(nóng)村還是住在城市都有各自的優(yōu)、缺點。比如說住在城市除了空氣污染之外，還有物價高，租房貴，不安全，太擁擠等很多缺點，作者寫什么理由都可以，文中把城市喧囂晚上睡不好覺作為理由也勉強說得過去，但是能說一個更合理的理由效果會更好。

　　這篇文章在論證方面需要改進，首先應該至少再舉出一個能夠說明自己論點的例子，甚至于把這個例子也換掉。這也說明作者在平時復習的時候沒有注意積累能夠說明問題的例子。另外，在行文上應該避免平鋪直敘，像記流水賬一樣。