專家指點：一篇SAT作文修改與評點.

　　SAT作文是SAT考試的一個重要組成部分，也是最為關(guān)鍵和最難的部分，它直接考查了學生對語言的運用能力。SAT作文的關(guān)鍵是運用大量的例證說明問題，而好的開頭和結(jié)尾同樣會為你掙得更高的分數(shù)。下面我們來看一篇學生的習作，老師對他的每一段多做了修改和點評，提出了很多寶貴的意見，大家可以參考一下。

　　Truth is not objective

　　Think carully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below:

　　Akira Kurosawa’s film masterpiece Rashomon portrays several people who have witnessed a death. As each observer recounts the event as he or she witnessed it, we come to realize that each person’s story varies greatly from every other account. Watching the movie, we rlect that the truth of an experience—and perhaps all truth—is different for each person.

　　Assignment: What is your opinion of the claim that truth is not objective, but rather is determined by each individual? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

　　習作修改

　　學生習作(第一段)

　　Great confidence is often put into what people see or hear. In a court, a judge will listen to witnesses and regard their words as evidence. However, is it possible that what we take in by eyes or ears[1], in another word, what we regard as ‘truth’, are not objective?

　　語言修改

　　Great confidence is often put into what people see or hear. In a court, a judge will listen to witnesses and regard their words as evidence. Is it possible that what we see and hear, or what we regard as the ‘truth’, is not objective?

　　本段評點

　　這個開頭避免了許多習作簡單重復題目的缺點。而且舉出了法庭審訊這個場景，然后提出了一個問題，這兩個手段都能激發(fā)讀者閱讀的興趣，而且顯得與眾不同。

　　學生習作(第二段)

　　This is a case concerning two characters, Heathcliff and Cathy, in the novel Wutherring Heights by Emily Bronte. Heathcliff took his departure after his eavesdropping Cathy’s dialogue with another woman. He heard part of the dialogue, in which Cathy appeared to be so vain that she regarded marriage with Heathcliff as adjective. From Heathcliff’s angle, we truly recount the event as he did and feel sorry for him from bottom of our hearts. But look at the other side of the story: Cathy was expressing her love for him, despite their difference in social status. Here, we come to realize that Cathy’s love for him was real and deep. From this example we know that things differs from various vision angle.

　　語言修改

　　This is a case concerning two characters, Heathcliff and Cathy, in the novel Wutherring Heights by Emily Bronte. Heathcliff lt after he heard Cathy speaking with another woman about her disdain toward marrying him.[2] From Heathcliff’s point of view, we truly feel sorry for him.

　　But from the other side of the coin, Cathy was actually expressing her love for him despite their different social status. Here, we come to realize that Cathy’s love for him was real and deep. From this example we can see that not everyone views things the same.[3]

　　本段評點

　　這個例子與第一段要說明的問題稍稍有些偏差。作者要證明的論點是人們所見所聞的事實可能是客觀的嗎，而這個例子得出的結(jié)論是不同的角度看待問題得出的結(jié)果會是不一樣的。改后稿把最后一句改成從這個例子可以看出每個人對以同樣的眼光來看待事情，這樣說和論點貼得更近一些。

　　學生習作(第三段)

　　Another story about a stealth took place in ancient China. A man losing his ax, considering his neighbor as the thi, but he had no proof. Meeting[4] his neighbor the next morning in town, he observed him carully and thoroughly, and every detail he caught strengthen his confidence in his suspicion. Yet a week later, the ax was found accidentally brought out by his son. He then go and see the neighbor, and all he saw was a common[5] innocent individual with neither trace nor tendency to stealth[6]. Due to various points of view, he found what he saw varies. This story tells us that what we see is determined by what we think. Therore, each individual decides truth.

　　語言修改

　　Anther example is about a tht that took place in ancient China. A man, who lost his ax, believed his neighbor took it although he had no proof.[7] When he met his neighbor in town the next morning, he observed him carully and what he saw strengthened his suspicion. A week later, the ax was found by the owner’s son. He then went to see his neighbor and all he saw was an innocent person with no trace of stealth. He realized his unfounded suspicion had deceived his own eyes. This story tells us that what we see is determined by what we think. Therore, truth is often not objective.

　　本段評點

　　這個例子比第一個例子更合適一些，說明了人們主觀的認識會影響對客觀事實的看法，導致看到的事實都失去了其客觀性。另外，本段對于故事的敘述比較清楚而且簡要，抓住了找到斧子前和找到斧子后發(fā)生的變化這個重點。

　　學生習作(第四段)

　　The two examples led us to a conclusion that truth is not objective, but rather is determined by each individual, and this is my position towards this issue.

　　語言修改

　　The two examples above demonstrate that truth is not objective but rather is determined by the individual.

　　本段評點

　　結(jié)尾段比較簡潔，明確。沒有單純的重復開頭段，而是把結(jié)論建立在兩個例子上，使讀者覺得論述有根有據(jù)。

　　習作總評

　　這篇文章比較成功的說明了每個人的眼光都帶色，特別是開頭和結(jié)尾兩段沒有犯SAT作者常犯的錯誤，中間的論證也比較有說服力。

　　本文沒有太多的理論闡述，文章基本上以舉例為主，通過舉例得出自己的觀點。本文講了兩個例子，一個是《呼嘯山莊》中的 故事，另外一個例子是中國古代的例子。兩個例子都支持了作者的觀點，特別是第二個例子更貼切。而且兩個例子相互對應，一個中國的，一個外國的;一個來自于 民間故事，一個是文學名著;這樣兩個例子比較全面，讓人信服。

　　[1] 原文的說法太啰嗦，直接用what I see and hear既簡練又清楚。

　　[2] 改后稿把原文的兩句話通過用兩個介詞about和toward合并成了一句，使句子簡潔。

　　[3] 原句和改后稿側(cè)重的角度不同，原句側(cè)重事情從不同角度看不一樣，改后稿側(cè)重人對于事物有不同認識，改后稿的意思更符合本文論證的觀點。

　　[4]這里用meeting不太合適，因為meet“碰見，遇到”表示的是一個瞬間動作，一般不能用現(xiàn)在分詞形式，因為現(xiàn)在分詞形式通常表示正在進行或持續(xù)的動作，而瞬間動作一般是不能持續(xù)的。

　　[5] 這里的common沒有表達任何意思，而且也沒有common individual這樣的說法。應用average persons, average 比 common 好，因為前者有階級差別的含義，當今美國英語很少用這個詞。

　　[6] 句中所用動詞時態(tài)不一致，對過去事情的描寫應都用過去時。

　　[7] 原習作的前半句用了兩個分詞結(jié)構(gòu)，沒有主要動詞，是不完整的句子。

　　好的SAT作文除了語言外，關(guān)鍵還在于要以內(nèi)容取勝，而內(nèi)容關(guān)鍵在于舉例、講故事，從而自然而然地得出結(jié)論，闡明作者的觀點?？梢娖綍r多閱讀，不僅可以拓寬我們的知識面，提高文學素養(yǎng)，更可以在SAT作文中舉例論述，取得理想的成績。

　　SAT作文是SAT考試的一個重要組成部分，也是最為關(guān)鍵和最難的部分，它直接考查了學生對語言的運用能力。SAT作文的關(guān)鍵是運用大量的例證說明問題，而好的開頭和結(jié)尾同樣會為你掙得更高的分數(shù)。下面我們來看一篇學生的習作，老師對他的每一段多做了修改和點評，提出了很多寶貴的意見，大家可以參考一下。

　　Truth is not objective

　　Think carully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below:

　　Akira Kurosawa’s film masterpiece Rashomon portrays several people who have witnessed a death. As each observer recounts the event as he or she witnessed it, we come to realize that each person’s story varies greatly from every other account. Watching the movie, we rlect that the truth of an experience—and perhaps all truth—is different for each person.

　　Assignment: What is your opinion of the claim that truth is not objective, but rather is determined by each individual? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

　　習作修改

　　學生習作(第一段)

　　Great confidence is often put into what people see or hear. In a court, a judge will listen to witnesses and regard their words as evidence. However, is it possible that what we take in by eyes or ears[1], in another word, what we regard as ‘truth’, are not objective?

　　語言修改

　　Great confidence is often put into what people see or hear. In a court, a judge will listen to witnesses and regard their words as evidence. Is it possible that what we see and hear, or what we regard as the ‘truth’, is not objective?

　　本段評點

　　這個開頭避免了許多習作簡單重復題目的缺點。而且舉出了法庭審訊這個場景，然后提出了一個問題，這兩個手段都能激發(fā)讀者閱讀的興趣，而且顯得與眾不同。

　　學生習作(第二段)

　　This is a case concerning two characters, Heathcliff and Cathy, in the novel Wutherring Heights by Emily Bronte. Heathcliff took his departure after his eavesdropping Cathy’s dialogue with another woman. He heard part of the dialogue, in which Cathy appeared to be so vain that she regarded marriage with Heathcliff as adjective. From Heathcliff’s angle, we truly recount the event as he did and feel sorry for him from bottom of our hearts. But look at the other side of the story: Cathy was expressing her love for him, despite their difference in social status. Here, we come to realize that Cathy’s love for him was real and deep. From this example we know that things differs from various vision angle.

　　語言修改

　　This is a case concerning two characters, Heathcliff and Cathy, in the novel Wutherring Heights by Emily Bronte. Heathcliff lt after he heard Cathy speaking with another woman about her disdain toward marrying him.[2] From Heathcliff’s point of view, we truly feel sorry for him.

　　But from the other side of the coin, Cathy was actually expressing her love for him despite their different social status. Here, we come to realize that Cathy’s love for him was real and deep. From this example we can see that not everyone views things the same.[3]

　　本段評點

　　這個例子與第一段要說明的問題稍稍有些偏差。作者要證明的論點是人們所見所聞的事實可能是客觀的嗎，而這個例子得出的結(jié)論是不同的角度看待問題得出的結(jié)果會是不一樣的。改后稿把最后一句改成從這個例子可以看出每個人對以同樣的眼光來看待事情，這樣說和論點貼得更近一些。

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