SAT寫(xiě)作范文點(diǎn)評(píng)之Fantasy and Imagination.

　　下面是一篇關(guān)于Fantasy and Imagination的SAT寫(xiě)作范文的點(diǎn)評(píng)，對(duì)于一篇SAT寫(xiě)作范文的每一段，每一個(gè)語(yǔ)言點(diǎn)都進(jìn)行了詳細(xì)的點(diǎn)評(píng)，指出了可以改進(jìn)的地方，對(duì)大家的寫(xiě)作幫助很大。下面是詳細(xì)內(nèi)容，供大家參考。

　　Topic: Fantasy and Imagination

　　Think carully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.

　　“When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come close to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge.”- Albert Einstein

　　“There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.”- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

　　Assignment: Do you believe that fantasy or imagination is more important than knowledge? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations.

　　第一段

　　Where did the knowledge come from? It comes from discoveries and inventions. So[1] it’s not difficult to deduce that the original source of knowledge is fantasy or imagination that can accelerate the progress in both scientific and article fields. There’s no doubt that is there’s no imagination or fantasy at all, knowledge will never exists. So[2] it’s not difficult to get the answer that talent of creativity is more critical for us than the ability to absorb certain knowledge.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　Where does knowledge come from? It comes from discoveries and inventions. So it’s not difficult to deduce that the original source of knowledge is fantasy or imagination that can accelerate the progress in both scientific and artistic fields. There is no doubt that without imagination or fantasy knowledge would never exist.[3] Therore, it’s not difficult to conclude that talent and creativity are more critical than the ability to absorb knowledge.

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　“知識(shí)來(lái)自發(fā)現(xiàn)和發(fā)明。所以，知識(shí)的來(lái)源是幻想和想象”。這句話既違反邏輯，也不符合事實(shí)。人類的許多發(fā)現(xiàn)，比如火，比如青霉素，天花疫苗，比如美洲大陸，都是偶然發(fā)現(xiàn)的, 與想象力或者幻想沒(méi)有任何關(guān)系。后面的一句，“毫無(wú)疑問(wèn)，沒(méi)有想象和幻想，知識(shí)將不存在”。這句話也讓人捏把汗，果真是“毫無(wú)疑問(wèn)”嗎?通過(guò)前面兩個(gè)非常有問(wèn)題的觀點(diǎn)，是無(wú)法得出 “創(chuàng)造力比吸收知識(shí)更重要”這個(gè)結(jié)論的。這一段給人的感覺(jué)是宣布了好幾個(gè)論點(diǎn), 而且有的論點(diǎn)明顯違反常識(shí)。所以這個(gè)開(kāi)頭段非常失敗。

　　第二段

　　Invention is the result of a creative process, and those inventions or discoveries are often examples taught in today’s class. Take electronic light as an example, the inventor of it[4] is Edison who had created many things we are using today. He had done more than 3000 experiments bore he finally found the correct material that can light enough and not easy to melt at a really high temperature. During his 3000 experiments, he imagines everything in his daily life, including iron, bamboo and even the red beard of his colleagues. His patience and curiosity together with his imagination and fantasy helped him successfully invented[5] the light bulb that we are still using nowadays.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　Invention is the result of a creative process, and those inventions or discoveries are often examples taught in today’s class. Take electric bulb as an example, the inventor, Edison, created many things we are using today. He conducted over 3,000 experiments[6] bore he found the correct material to create light and did not melt at high temperatures. During those 3,000 experiments he imagined using many things including iron, bamboo, and even his colleague’s red beard. His patience and curiosity together with imagination and fantasy helped him to successfully invent the light bulb that we still use to this day.

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　這一段用了愛(ài)迪生發(fā)明燈泡的例子。這個(gè)例子用在這里雖然沒(méi)有什么錯(cuò)誤，但是從中學(xué)作文，到大學(xué)四六級(jí)作文，到考研，到托福和GRE作文，不論是什么題目，中國(guó)學(xué)生都喜歡使用這個(gè)例子。這樣給老外一個(gè)印象，中國(guó)學(xué)生知道的事情實(shí)在太少。這個(gè)例子里面還有個(gè)小錯(cuò)誤，那就是愛(ài)迪生發(fā)明的不是電，而是電燈。

　　第三段

　　Not only scientists need creativity but also artists need it. The well known artist von Gothe used to say that: “there’s nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.” By that he emphasized the significance of taste. However, as matter of fact[7], in his renowned painting about stars at night, he portrayed a world full of imagination, for instance the star under his pen[8] is just like a whirlpool that gives us infinite fantasy about space and universe.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　Not only scientists but also artists need creativity.[9] The well known artist von Gothe used to say that: “there’s nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.” By that he emphasized the significance of taste. However, in his renowned painting of stars at night, he presented a world full of imagination such as the stars under his brush are like a whirlpool that allows us infinite fantasies about space and the universe.

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　以上的例子中把作家歌德和畫(huà)家梵高混淆了。不過(guò)這段中作者對(duì)于《星空》這幅畫(huà)的描寫(xiě)給讀者留下很好的印象。由此可以看出本文作者興趣廣泛，而且能用自己的語(yǔ)言描述梵高名畫(huà)《星空》，著實(shí)不易。作者在文章寫(xiě)道：for instance the star under his pen is just like whirlpool that gives us infinite fantasy about space and universe.看過(guò)梵高名畫(huà)《星空》的讀者，應(yīng)該知道作者的描述比較準(zhǔn)確?？梢?jiàn)，作者應(yīng)該比較喜歡藝術(shù)，最起碼應(yīng)該看過(guò)梵高的一些畫(huà)集。

　　第四段

　　Between knowledge and creativity, which one is more important? As far as I considered, knowledge is just[10] based on imagination and fantasy of the people in the past. So[11] we apparently draw the conclusion that ability of creativity is more critical for us than the capability of absorb certain positive knowledge.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　Between knowledge and creativity, which one is more important? As far as I am concerned, knowledge is based on the imagination and fantasy of people in the past. Therore, we can draw the conclusion that creativity is more critical than the absorption of certain knowledge.

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　結(jié)尾段簡(jiǎn)單地重復(fù)了第一段的意思，仍舊是說(shuō)知識(shí)是建立在想象和幻想的基礎(chǔ)上的，而且自身段落中的兩句話在意思上也是重復(fù)的。這樣的結(jié)尾段不是很有力，給讀者的感覺(jué)是可有可無(wú)，沒(méi)有起到突出強(qiáng)化自己論點(diǎn)的作用。

　　對(duì)這篇SAT寫(xiě)作范文的總評(píng)

　　這篇SAT寫(xiě)作范文開(kāi)頭段采用疑問(wèn)句的方式，這樣可以吸引閱卷人的注意力，引起興趣。但本文的最大亮點(diǎn)在于中間舉例很生動(dòng)，而且全面。文章一共舉了兩個(gè)例子，第一個(gè)例子是愛(ài)迪生靠想像力發(fā)明了燈泡，第二個(gè)例子是荷蘭著名畫(huà)家梵高充滿想像力的名畫(huà)《星空》。兩個(gè)例子一個(gè)講科學(xué)家，一個(gè)講藝術(shù)家，都強(qiáng)調(diào)了想像力的重要性，支持了作者的觀點(diǎn)。

　　下面講一點(diǎn)這篇SAT寫(xiě)作范文的缺點(diǎn)。開(kāi)頭段應(yīng)該是作者提出自己的論點(diǎn)的段落，下文要舉出具體的事例支持相應(yīng)的論點(diǎn)。作者在這里用了兩個(gè)so開(kāi)頭的長(zhǎng)句子，讓讀者感覺(jué)好像前文已經(jīng)論證，這里能得出結(jié)論了似的，而且作者的觀點(diǎn)有嚴(yán)重的邏輯錯(cuò)誤。

　　總體而言，這篇SAT寫(xiě)作范文存在一定的問(wèn)題，特別需要修改第一段，使其能夠開(kāi)宗明義，即明確提出自己合乎邏輯的論點(diǎn)，然后再用生動(dòng)具體的例子娓娓道來(lái)，即論證支持自己的觀點(diǎn)。

　　--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

　　[1] 這里是文章的開(kāi)頭段，前面沒(méi)有任何的論證和推理，何來(lái)So呢?不要在句子的開(kāi)頭就用so，因?yàn)檫@時(shí)候沒(méi)有“因此”可言。

　　[2] So引導(dǎo)的表示結(jié)果的句子一般放在表示原因的句子的后面，單句不要以so開(kāi)頭，上下文之間可以用therore表結(jié)果。

　　[3] 原文用了that is there’s 顯得過(guò)于冗贅，直接用without表示在沒(méi)有…的情況下使句子簡(jiǎn)潔。例如，Without your help we could not have finished the work. 比If you had not helped us, we could not have finished the work.更加簡(jiǎn)練。

　　[4] 這里沒(méi)有必要用the inventor of it而且用了這個(gè)結(jié)構(gòu)還導(dǎo)致了后面不得不用一個(gè)who引導(dǎo)的定語(yǔ)從句，使整句話啰嗦。換一種說(shuō)法：Its inventor Edison created many things we are using today.

　　[5] Invented是不對(duì)的，因?yàn)閔elp的結(jié)構(gòu)是help sb. do sth.或help sb. to do sth.

　　[6] Experiment通常和conduct, carry out, perform搭配表示做實(shí)驗(yàn)。

　　[7] As matter of fact在這里沒(méi)有表達(dá)任何有效信息。

　　[8] Pen指的是用墨水或類似液體書(shū)寫(xiě)、繪畫(huà)的工具，畫(huà)家用的畫(huà)筆應(yīng)是brush.

　　[9] Not only…but also連接的是一組平行結(jié)構(gòu)，當(dāng)用這組詞把平行成分連接起來(lái)，這個(gè)平行結(jié)構(gòu)所共有部分不用重復(fù)，如這里的need不用寫(xiě)兩遍。

　　[10] As far as I am concerned 一般用于提出自己與別人不同的觀點(diǎn)，用在此處不恰當(dāng)。另外，Just用在這里不能表達(dá)知識(shí)恰恰是基于人們的想象的，如果非要表達(dá)正式基于此而非其他，可以改成Knowledge is based on nothing but the imagination and fantasy of people in the past.

　　[11] 不要用So引導(dǎo)的句子開(kāi)頭。

　　以上就是對(duì)這篇SAT寫(xiě)作范文的詳細(xì)點(diǎn)評(píng)，包括了每一段的點(diǎn)評(píng)和最后總的點(diǎn)評(píng)。這篇SAT寫(xiě)作范文在寫(xiě)作例子的應(yīng)用上很成功，是大家可以借鑒的地方，而在寫(xiě)作的結(jié)構(gòu)和語(yǔ)法的應(yīng)用方面有一些欠缺，是大家需要避免的地方。

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