我們要如何夸獎孩子.

　　現(xiàn)在想想，在中國的很多小孩的永恒的敵人仿佛就是那個叫“人家孩子”的家伙，他們奪走了你父母的所有的花匠，他們就是人生的一大宿敵。在沒有被夸獎聲中長大的我們，是不是感覺心里有一些郁悶?家長擔心我們驕傲退步的問題，但是非此即彼很顯然是不好的。那如何夸獎孩子呢?

　　A wave of recent research has pointed to the risks of overpraising a child. But for parents, drawing the line between too little praise and too much has become a high-pressure balancing act.

　　近來一些研究指出了過分表揚孩子可能帶來的種種風險。不過，對于家長而言，要在夸獎得太少與太多之間劃清界限，這難度不亞于頂著巨大的壓力走高空繩索。

　　Cara Greene, a mother of three children ages 1 to 8, is wary of deliberately pumping up her kids&apos egos, for fear of instilling the sense of entitlement she sees in young adults &aposwho have been told they&aposre wonderful and they can do anything.&apos But she also wants them to have healthy self-esteem.

　　家住紐約市的卡拉?格林(Cara Greene)有三個一歲到八歲大的孩子。這位母親一直很謹慎，不去刻意讓孩子的自我膨脹，因為格林擔心那樣做會讓孩子心中滋長出她在那些“一直以來都被告知他們很棒而且他們能做任何事”的年輕人身上所看到的那種自以為是的感覺。不過，她也希望自己的孩子們能夠擁有健全的自我認知。

　　&aposWe wouldn&apost be doing our children any favors by overinflating their egos. At the same time, I want them to have the confidence to tackle any challenge that is placed bore them,&apos says Ms. Greene, of New York City.

　　格林說：“讓孩子的自我過于膨脹對他們來說沒有任何好處。而與此同時，我也希望他們擁有足夠的自信，能夠應付任何他們需要面臨的挑戰(zhàn)?！?/p>

　　Now, psychologists are creating a deeper and more nuanced understanding of self-esteem, which could make it easier for parents to walk that line. Some of the conclusions: It can actually be good for kids to have low self-esteem, at least temporarily. And praise can harm if it disregards the world outside the home. Children who have a realistic岸not inflated岸understanding of how they are seen by others tend to be more resilient.

　　如今，心理學家們對于自我認知的理解越來越深入、也越來越細致，這或許能夠讓家長們在走這條高空繩索的時候輕松一點。其中的一些結(jié)論如下：孩子的自我認可程度較低實際上有可能是一件好事，至少短時期的低認可度會是如此。而對孩子的褒揚如果沒有考慮到家庭以外的環(huán)境因素，則有可能會對孩子有害。孩子若能對于他人對自己的看法有一個現(xiàn)實──而非夸大──的理解，則往往能夠更好地適應外界環(huán)境。

　　In the past, many parents and educators believed that high self-esteem predicted happiness and success, and that it could be instilled in kids simply by doling out trophies and praise. But researchers have since found self-esteem doesn&apost predict these outcomes. High self-esteem is partly the result of good performance, rather than the cause. Inflating kids&apos self-esteem too much can backfire, making them feel worse later on when they hit setbacks.

　　過去，許多家長和教育者相信，較高的自我認可度將會帶來幸福感與成功，而若要孩子實現(xiàn)高度的自我認可，做法很簡單，只要給予他們大量的獎勵和贊美即可。不過研究者們后來發(fā)現(xiàn)，自我認可并不會帶來這些結(jié)果。高度的自我認可在一定程度上是良好表現(xiàn)的結(jié)果，而不是原因。讓孩子的自我過于膨脹反而有可能起到相反的作用，使他們在未來遭受挫折時感覺更為糟糕。

　　Self-esteem serves as a gauge岸a kind of inner psychological meter岸of how much children feel valued and accepted by others, including family, friends and peers, based on research by Mark Leary, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, and others. This sensitivity to others&apos views evolved because of humans&apos need for social acceptance, which in ancient times could be critical to survival, Dr. Leary says. As early as age 8, children&aposs self-esteem tends to rise and fall in response to feedback about whether peers see them as likable or attractive, says a 2010 study in Child Development.

　　根據(jù)杜克大學(Duke University)心理學與神經(jīng)系統(tǒng)學教授馬克?利里(Mark Leary)等人進行的一項研究，自我認知是一個度量標準、一種內(nèi)在的心理學角度的衡量尺度，用于衡量孩子自我感覺到的自己在其他人心目中的重要程度、以及其他人對自己的接受程度，這里的“其他人”包括家人、朋友和同伴等等。利里博士表示，這種對他人觀點的敏感度是因為人類需要社會的接納而進化而來，，社會的接納在遠古社會有可能攸關(guān)生死。于2010年發(fā)表在學術(shù)期刊《兒童發(fā)展》(Child Development)上的一則研究報告稱，早在八歲這個年齡，孩子的自我認知就會隨著同伴是否認為他們可愛或是有魅力這樣的反饋而增加或降低。

　　&aposChildren absolutely need to feel valued, accepted and loved, and this will lead to high self-esteem,&apos Dr. Leary says. But it can also be good for kids to feel bad about themselves temporarily, if they behave in selfish, mean or hurtful ways that might damage their ability to sustain relationships or hold a job in the future, he says. The best path is a middle road, helping children develop a positive but realistic view of themselves in relation to others.

　　利里博士表示：“孩子們絕對需要那種被尊重、被接納和被愛的感受，而這些將帶來較高的自我認可度?！辈贿^，他說，如果孩子的行為表現(xiàn)出自私、自大或是會傷害到他人──這樣的行為有可能影響到他們未來與他人相處或是保住自己工作的能力──那么短暫的自我感覺糟糕對于孩子來說有好處。最好的一條路是中間路線，幫助孩子培養(yǎng)出一個積極、但現(xiàn)實的、與他人相關(guān)的自我認知觀點。

　　Ms. Greene&aposs husband Jason, an actor and at-home dad, tries to teach their children what his grandfather taught him: &aposNobody is better than you, but you&aposre not better than anybody else.&apos When his 8-year-old son Wyatt started goofing around at practice for his soccer team, which Mr. Greene coaches, he knew Wyatt was &aposhaving a moment of feeling superior,&apos Mr. Greene says. He benched Wyatt immediately.

　　格林的丈夫賈森(Jason)是一位演員、同時也是一位全職父親，他試圖讓自己的孩子明白他的祖父當年教給他的東西：“沒有人比你強，不過你也不比其他任何人強?！辟Z森在他八歲的兒子懷亞特(Wyatt)的足球隊里當教練，當懷亞特在足球隊訓練中開始不認真對待時，賈森說，他知道懷亞特“這一刻是有點飄飄然的澳際感了”。他立刻將懷亞特換下場去坐冷板凳。

　　Later, he explained: &aposI know it&aposs hard to go by the rules all the time, to stand in line and pay attention. But you&aposre not better than the rules, and you&aposre not more important than anyone else on the team.&apos His son nodded, and &aposwe had a hug,&apos Mr. Greene says. Wyatt hasn&apost misbehaved at practice since.

　　之后，他對兒子解釋道：“我知道要時時刻刻地守規(guī)矩、排隊、專心聽講，這很難。不過，在規(guī)矩面前，你沒有特權(quán)，你也不比隊里的其他任何人更重要?！彼膬鹤狱c了點頭，然后“我們擁抱了一下”。自從那次以后，懷亞特再也沒有在訓練中有過糟糕表現(xiàn)。